You must be kidding.
I like monsters. I do. And I love music. But I’m not so sure the two of them do a chocolate-in-my-peanut butter, peanut-butter-on-my-chocolate kind of a thing if you catch my drift. Case in point? Lordi, the Finish “heavy metal” (you’ll understand the quotes in a minute) band I saw on Conan last week.
Don’t get me wrong: bands that wear heavy makeup or costumes don’t automatically suck. But for every New York Dolls (admittedly not in the same class, but they’re actually touring again!) or Kiss (the commercials for the upcoming Kiss shows at the Nassau Coliseum that ran during Midnight Special back in the mid-70′s actually disturbed me), there are dozens of Twisted Sisters.
Lordi, though, falls a miles short of even Dee Snyder’s band. I was flipping channels and heard Conan introduce them. I thought I had heard of them; thought they might be one of the silly death metal bands with names like Cradle of Filth that I’ve seen on shitty television shows designed to scare the hell out of anyone with teenage children.
Not even close. Lordi sounds like a bunch of talentless high school outcasts who huff cans of spray paint behind the arcade and talk about how bitchin’ satan is (“Dude, I love satan” “Dude, me too. The dark prince rocks.” “Dude, hell yeah, hail satan….we should start a band!” “Dude, fuck yeah!”). The song itself sounded like a cross between something on a Best Buy salesman’s iPod and a keyboard-heavy hunk of radio sputum from a third-rate 80′s hair band.
There was one redeeming aspect to it though: the combination of how ridiculous the music was and how monumentally stupid they looked was fucking hilarious. Hilarious enough that I taped it and showed it to Joanna in the morning, who got one of those “no way” looks on her face that are so much fun to watch other people make. The masks are so heavy that the lips barely move, which made the bassist and guitar player look like Spridle and Chim Chim from the original Speed Racer cartoons whenever they sang backups. Then there’s…well just look for yourself (by the way, what’s classier than taking a photo of your TV?):
I have to assume the lead singer was trying to score points with satan by throwing up the sign of the goat; you know, the devil horns and all. But what he’s doing in that photo there is signing “I love you”. Which I guess is nice too.
Lordi gets 1 out of 5 bones. And that one is for the laughs.
Oh, and because he loves us.
I can’t really even believe how much editing you must have done to get this post down to this length. There is so much to say about Lordi and how the HELL they could have made it on Conan, let alone any local TV station at 2 in the morning. I can not believe this group of people have a following! The only value they have is that they could pass for extras in a low budg horror flick or that they have rhythm – that’s it. I would have fired the talent scout at Conan’s the second the show was over.
No shit.
I wholeheartedly agree with Brad on ALL counts. Yeah, Nice goat horns, dude. Pretty AND smart.
What are your thoughts on Slip-Knot?
That’s funny – I thought about them when I wrote this but couldn’t really fit ‘em in since I don’t listen to them and haven’t seen them live.
As far as I’m concerned it’s about the music and not the makeup though, so if a band is talented that’s usually enough for me. OTOH, what I have heard of their music hasn’t really been my thing (I have a very eclectic music collection and like a wide variety of music – theirs just doesn’t seem to be my thing) and they seem kinda gimicky to me. Plus I heard or saw somewhere that they’ve thrown shit at each other on stage which isn’t my thing either – didn’t like GG Alin who did it first, don’t need it now.
But like I said, since I haven’t really given them a chance, who knows? Those thoughts are just from looking at them from a distance.
No idea who they are, never want to find out either, but I came here to get my giggles. Got ‘em; so, thanks!
hmmm. My comment from Boston did not take. So I will say again, methinks you doth protest too much. Which one is your favorite?
Whoa….I thought Halloween was over! Can they even breathe in those faces?
Talentless? Well, looks like you have little information about them idiot. Lordi is miles high above what KI$$ has become. If you don’t get their music and image, you are too serious for your own good. But alas, I do want you to make better music. go ahead and try to make something half as catchy as them,
But, regarding to how stupid you sound, and no doubt look, I must say I’ll take Lordi over your dumb ass anyday.
Good day mr.ass.
You know what’s really cool? That you stopped by and took a moment to help explain the truth about music, image, and my sense of humor. I can’t tell you how exciting it is to have someone so well spoken stop by and give everyone here just a glimpse of such a towering intellect.
The shadow that your intelligence casts over blogs, the Internet, hell, the entire planet, is simply staggering. For example, the brilliant use of $$ in place of SS when you wrote out Kiss is simply brilliant. What cutting satire! What originality!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for stopping in. I don’t know what I would have done without your well-reasoned and incredibly valuable opinion.
One small misstep: Mr. Ass should really be capitalized. Other than that, though, wow!
Well you’re very welcome my good sir! If you can truly apologize for your scandalous and rubbish behavior, well done! I see you know see the error of your ways! Good man!
It’s only fair I spoke to you and such, noting your rather cheeky and naughty humor. So no reason why be my response should be any different ol’ chum! If you do wish to continue our engrossing chit chat Lord Ass, (as you yourself corrected me)then I would be most delighted.
I know! The Ki$$ idea was marvelous! Good spottng ol chap! You have an aeye for hunting quail and whatnot! Any bird of foul feathered manner I might add as well!
And you’re absolutely welcome! I always am ready to add an opinion once the alcohol wears off. Know what I mean? *nugde* eh ol’ boy?
So good day sir! Please respond again! I wish to continue our marvelous little discussion1 Jolly good!
as my old Ozford chum hamlet once said “words words words…..”
Oh fuck all of it my good sir. Have a beer sometime. I’m buying.
Ozford is really Oxford, but you already knew that didn’t you? to think Hamlet studied at Ozford, where that old trickster Oz studied at! You caught me again by me knickers!