Animal rights group out to milk your boobies.

So I’ve heard all kinds of weird shit in my day, no small amount of it about PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.)   Now, I’m for the ethical treatment of animals and all; you probably shouldn’t kick your dog or pinch your cat, and hunters should put their kills down as quickly and cleanly as possible.  And hey, maybe they should start a free-range veal program as well – you could put those pens on trailers and tow them around a field for example – but that’s about as far as I’ll go.

PETA though feels a bit differently about the definition of “ethical.”  Which is totally o.k. with me.  I’m all for people standing up for what they believe in (even if it’s wacky,) but when what they believe in starts screwing around with other people’s lives, then it crosses the line.  And last week PETA didn’t just cross the line, they obliterated it.  It begins with the letter that PETA sent to Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream requesting that they switch from cow’s milk to human breast milk in their products.  I’ll give you a moment to choke back that rising bile….

Aside from demonstrating that they’re either insane (note to PETA: I know it’s tempting to think that hippies will do any old thing at all, but they aren’t going to use human breast milk in their ice cream,) masters of getting press, or both, I believe that PETA’s agenda here is far more sinister and disturbing that it appears at first glance (yes, even more disturbing than the thought of eating ice cream that was made with the breast milk of, say, your sister.)  From their letter:

“Like all mammals, cows only produce milk during and after pregnancy, so to be able to constantly milk them, cows are forcefully impregnated every nine months.”

Now I don’t know about you, but if mammals need to be “forcefully impregnated” every nine months, better cows than humans.  I for one will not stand by while Birkenstock and faux-leather wearing reactionaries round women up, forcefully impregnate them, and put them on breast pumps year-round just so that they have something politically correct to eat by the pint while they’re curled up on the sofa at night in their “Save The Bunnies” jammies watching Planet Green network.  I just won’t do it.

So today I’m announcing the formation of a new organization called PETB: People for the Ethical Treatment of Boobies.  Because someone has to stand up and say “NO!”  “NO!” to the inhumane practice of strapping boobies down for 16 hours a day in those inquisition-like torture devices called “bras.” NO to laws banning boobies from getting out in public and taking the sun like their neighbors, the arms and the shoulders.  And above all, NO! to PETA’s plan to trap, impregnate and milk women.

Women, I feel your pain.  I’m in your corner.  And I won’t stand idly by while this shit goes down.  Because I love your boobies.  I honor your boobies.  I’ll defend your boobies to the death.  Because for PETA it’s not just about throwing fake blood on fur coats anymore.