Poor Matt Labash snubbed by Douche of the Decade, too.
So I just learned that Tucker Carlson launched a new political blog, The Daily Caller, today. I’m not a huge fan of Carlson’s, though I don’t really want to say anything nasty about him because he’s raised $3 million in funding and hired 21 full time reporters, and I’m looking for work, and, well, you know.
But I’m really not looking for a job chasing hypocrites on the hill. What I’d be happy to do, though, is take this guy’s gig. In an apparent attempt to bring some sort of hipster-cred to his new blog, Carlson, or someone else that’s completely clueless, has hired a tool named Matt Labash to write an answers column.
Labash is a regular writer at The Weekly Standard, which I don’t read, and which I now have one more reason to avoid. But wait, he really describes himself best:
For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.
I suppose we’re to believe that the “wisdom chose me” line is a bit of faux arrogance from a regular guy. Which I believe about as much as I believed the guy I knew that dropped a quarter mil on a bright red speedboat, then claimed he didn’t buy it because he was losing his hair and had a small cock. Of course the alternative here, that he’s sincerely that arrogant, may be worse.
And that “Rachel Maddow is a man” part? I don’t know about you, but I don’t know many things that are quite as hilarious and fresh as calling a lesbian you don’t like mannish. Because that shit is brilliant!
Then there are his answers to readers’ questions, like this bit about Tiger Woods:
The most striking detail of the Tiger Woods saga is the white supremacism that lies at the heart of it. At last count, he had something in the neighborhood of 178 mistresses, yet good luck finding any mistresses-of-color. Now I’m not calling Woods a racist. The heart wants what it wants. And I know he says he’s “Cablinasian,” which means that he’s part Asian, part black, part Indian, part Klansman.
Hey Labash: making lame sexist or racist comments while you pretend that you’re just joshing isn’t funny or edgy, it’s douchey. And only douchey, because your humor is so weak, your prose so poor, that it doesn’t even rise to the level of offensive.
If hiring this guy is any indication of the sorts of decisions that will be made by the editorial staff at The Daily Caller, it’s a bad sign. Unless you’re looking for columns written by people who hope to be included in next year’s Douche of the Decade voting.