If I were king (not queen, not prince, not duke)
I’m the first to admit that I’m easily irritated. At least once a day (though I’ll admit that number can go as high as 40 or 50 times a day), I’ll complain to Joanna about something that really “irritates the shit out of me” (an expression which is pretty foul if you take a moment to visualize it, so a big, spastic, double thumbs up to Joanna for staying married to me). But I grew up in New York, and I can be pretty snotty, so that’s pretty much to be expected.
The irritation I can handle – to an extent. What needs to stop, though, are those things that go beyond irritation, pushing me to a bad, bad place filled with evil, and darkness, and with Billy Ray Cyrus music on an endless loop in the background. So, if elected king, aside from providing free barbecue to all my minions, I would outlaw:
The Following Expressions:
- Throwing anything under the bus, as in: “You dick. A few more Bud Lights and I could have banged that bitch if you hadn’t thrown me under the bus and told her I wasn’t a member of a NASCAR pit crew.”
- Stepping up to anything, as in: “If you don’t step up, you aren’t going to sell your quota of extended warranties this month, Roderick.” Or “I really have to step up my game if I want to make the badminton finals.”
- Anything from hell, as in: “Man, that was the prostate exam from hell.”
The Following Entertainment:
- Any song sung by Lady Gaga or that talentless skank from the horrible Black Eyed Peas.
- Paula Abdul on any television show, unless she gets back on heavy narcotics so instead of being just stupid, she’s stupid and hilarious.
- Anything with Criss Angel, anywhere, any medium, any time. Unless it’s a death match with David Blaine.
Criss Angel. When I'm king, you'll never have to see this again. - Pseudo-punk rock versions of Christmas carols. In fact, any modern cover of a Christmas carol. In fact, Christmas carols in general, what with the herald angels, and decking the halls, and the three kings, and the golden rings and shit.
The Following Miscellaneous Irritating Crap:
- The compounding of words to make new, stupider, words, or the complete invention of said stupid words based on an existing word. This includes:
- Ridonculous
- Chillax
- Frenemy
- Fantabulous
- Anything-tastic
Note: Compound names like Bennifer and Brangelina are also banned, with no exceptions,ever.
- The use of “man” or “bro” as a prefix. This includes, but is not limited to:
- Bromance
- Mandles
- Manscaping
- Manswers (I’m talking to you, Spike TV)
- Broner
The only exception to this rule is my own expression (because it’s mine, and it’s not technically using “man”) “mammal toe” to indicate too-tight pants on a man that causes his bulging, seam-split ball sack to be clearly visible. Because you really need a name for that shit.
I’d also propose a constitutional amendment (though being king, I’d probably just chuck the Constitution to allow for more freedom in my kingly shenanigans) banning the following people from ever saying anything loud enough for anyone else to hear, in any place, at any time:
- Andy Rooney
- Glenn Beck
- Ariana Huffington
- Any Backstreet Boy
- Gloria Allred
- That chick from “The Nanny”
- The Pope
Anyone that knows me knows that this barely scratches the surface of what pisses me off, but I just needed to get that shit off my chest. Because no one likes shit on their chest. I mean, other than Germans.
Aren’t “mammal toe” and “moose knuckle” synonymous?
Moose knuckle? Never heard that. Oddly, moose don’t have knuckles, and neither do camels have toes.
Very amusing. I’d add “Sweet”, “Cool”, and the really irritating habit of teenagers on Facebook to draw out their words, liiikkkkeeee ttthhhhiiissss.
Good list. I would add these things:
• The Kings of Leon
• The Talk Box Sound Effect
• Skinny Jeans
• Flashing Internet Ads
• Susan Waldman
• Pick Up Trucks with “Saddlebag” Fenders
• Non-Rule Abiding Bike Riders
• Text Messaging
• Abortion Clinic Protesters
Kim, good list! I’d add:
* Madonna
* Those really dodgy short cardigans that women wear over t-shirts
* SMS abbreviations
* Christmas songs by Slade
* Slade
* Mommybloggers (can’t they just be women??)
* Men who refer to women as ‘girls’
* People who are mean to waitresses
* Organic snobs
* Vegetarian snobs
* …well, snobs in general!
I love the word dodgy. Nice list, but I’ve already nuked Christmas songs entirely – Slade can go though.
Oh, and the word, “tween.” If this is a compound word, I am not sure where the fuck the “w” comes from. Anyway, I hate it.
I hate that word – marketers looking for a shorthand for the young and silly market. I don’t think it’s compound, just shortened from between. It can certainly be put on the list though.
To go along with that list of brangelina and bennifer… can we ban celebrities altogether? I so would not miss seeing them in the check out aisle at the grocery store
Agreed. Plus, you’ve given me an opening to mention that it looks like Brad Pitt has Spanish moss growing from his chin.
Just to keep that number less lonely – if anyone would help me out and hit the Retweet button at the top of the page (right side), I’d appreciate it. I just added that to the blog software.
Ann, I agree. HATE the word “like”.
My daughter’s started using it 45 times in a sentence. I don’t think that shit ever goes away. Am I doomed to hearing this for the rest of my life?
Can we ban shooting snot outta ones nose by holding the other nostril into the gutter while walking? I’ve seen this 5 times at it is revolting.
am I off topic?
gotta go to work.
Brad, I don’t see any re-tweet button. You are nuts. As usual.
Put the pipe down and look at the TOP of the post, right side.
Brad, just to stop you complaining, I’ve hit the Retweet button as requested.
And I was specific about Slade Christmas songs for a reason – some of the Christmas songs, I like, guilty as charged!
Another thing I hate – saying that something is “to die for”. Now really, does one actually believe that?
Ooh – excellent one. “That ice cream is to die for.” Oh, so do us all a favor and go do it then.
watch it with the pipe talk, or I’ll get my damp kitchen towel and I’ll snap you later.
Let me work, BRAD!
ps freak. It won’t let me retweet because I already tweeted this morning.
That’s what it said….
Phew, for a second there, I thought you won’t let me use “man” as, well, just “man” (e.g. “Man, that Brad confused me again with all those references that went right over my head.”). Speaking of which, I guess I must have had my head in the sand too long because I’ve never heard of the expression, “throwing things under a bus.”
Seems like everyone is throwing someone under a bus these days. You need to watch more shitty reality programming.
In England, one of my favourite sayings when someone has a temper tantrum, is saying “they really threw their toys out of the pram”. I don’t think a bus factors into it, however.
Saying, “Well, ME, PERSONALLY, I don’t like such & such.” Incorrect, grammatically-speaking and redundant.
If I were a Mom, I would probably be pretty miffed with all the “Mommy” prefixes for things, too. It implies that all Moms are “cutesy,” which is clearly not the case. Moms like Joanna are super cool and don’t deserve to be lumped in with all the scrapbookers.
Shooting snot out of one’s nose is really offensive. I also think the same of ballplayers who spit excessively.
Telling someone to “drive safe” is weird, too. Do you think they would drive dangerously if you don’t caution them ahead of time?
Anyone who says, “I’m not a racist, but …” You just know that something racist is about to be said.
Alright, break is over. Time to soap.
Oh holy shit – if I had a nickle for every “I’m not a racist but…” comment I’ve heard, well, I’d have a lot of nickles. Down here the assholes don’t bother with the prefix though…actually have a post about that planned.
I’m totally with you on mommy-blank, unless it’s Mommy Dearest (“NO WIRE HANGERS!”). And drive safe? Aside from sounding like you can’t think of anything more interesting to say, it should be drive safely.
And you’re right about Joanna: she is super cool. Almost always.
Mispronounced words:
Supposebly for supposedly
Nuculer for nuclear (our former President)
ok, that’s all I have at this moment. It is 7 am and I haven’t had coffee yet. I’ll add to it as it comes to me. I’m sure, though, you can all beat me to the punch…
My best friend, who is normally quite well-spoken, says, “supposively.” It makes me crazy, but I don’t have the heart to correct her.
These are great. I wish I spoke more English these days so I could contribute.
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