I have not seen the Sex And The City movie (which I keep thinking is Sex IN The City). I will not see the Sex And The City movie. But that’s not going to stop me from writing a review as if I had.
We take our seats. The theater is full, mostly women and some really unhappy looking men. I wonder if they’re unhappy that they have to sit through this, or just unhappy that they are in a relationship with a woman that makes them do stuff like see Sex And The City and pretend they actually want to be there.
Lights dim. Anticipation grows. Previews start. Teasers for various films that will make their way on to Lifetime or one of Oprah’s networks go by in a blur. I reach for my pain meds. The no cell phone announcement comes on the screen. No one seems to pay attention. The no saving seats announcement comes on. Judging by the amount of seats occupied by shopping bags, no one seems to care about that either. Lights go out. Movie starts. I reach for my pain meds.
A story line I don’t really pay attention to explains the gap in time from the end of the series to the beginning of the movie. The Sarah Jessica Parker character appears and joins a couple of the other girls. She’s wearing expensive shoes. She’s squealing. She’s clapping her hands together quickly. They all hug. I reach for my pain meds.
They all sit at a table and order drinks with cute names that I have never heard before. They reminisce. The less attractive one with red hair says something judgmental. The one with the long dark hair makes a scrunchy-pouty face and whines about something having to do with a relationship. They all wonder where the Kim Cattrall character is. They all make snarky comments about the clothes other women are wearing. I reach for my pain meds.
Finally the Kim Cattrall character arrives. She’s so excited to see everyone! She sits down and asks what everyone is drinking, then orders the same cute drink. She explains that she’s sorry she’s late, she was banging her tennis instructor, my god what abs he had. The red haired one rolls her eyes and says something obnoxious. The dark haired one shakes her head and looks sorry for her. The Sarah Jessica Parker voice over says something witty but enlightened and caring about the Kim Cattrall character. They all say more snarky, judgmental things about the outfits on all the other women they see. The talk about Sarah Jessica Parker’s shoes. They drool over the hot guy standing over there by they bar. They all giggle uncontrollably and I mercifully pass out from the pain meds.
I wake up briefly and hear Kim Cattrall talking about her vagina, then fall back asleep.
Someone is shaking me. I open my eyes. Lights are up. I’m drooling on my shoulder. Women are gathering up their bags, their jackets, making phone calls, chattering about shoes. I go home and change my shirt.
There you go. Now you don’t have to go either. You can thank me later.