Stupidheads don’t accept the Word According to Apple

It turns out that not everyone thinks Steve Jobs’ birthday ought to be celebrated worldwide by getting families together, eating a turkey, exchanging gifts, then either passing out on the sofa or arguing until someone locks themselves in the bathroom.

Take the iPad: While most people understand that of course it’s “magical,” just as Jobs explained, and some lined up days in advance just for the chance to gaze upon iPad’s glory, there are still some pesky iTheists out there that fail to see the truth. But note how their arguments are without merit:

It’s awkward: it is said that without rubber feet, putting it on a kitchen counter, for example, causes it to “slide and twirl” as you try to swipe the screen. Consider, though, that this just makes it easier to slide and twirl into the optimum viewing position for someone standing nearby, so that they may gaze upon iPad’s glory, thus bringing understanding of its greatness and expanding the flock. Plus, you can use it to make spin art, which is cool hippie stuff.

Too much screen glare: Apparently, unless you’re in a dim room the glare gets annoying, outside in the shade it’s bad, and using it in the sun is right out. But that misses the point. iPads aren’t meant to be used just anywhere, they belong in a proper shrine, surrounded by velvet blankets, lit (from behind) by candles (this also debunks the “it’s too heavy” and “it’s too awkward to carry” arguments).

No multitasking: Why do you need to multitask, anyway? When in the presence of an iPad, there’s no reason to want to do anything beyond basking in whatever (one) app the iPad as running.

Limited browser: The big complaint here is the lack of Flash support. But Apple has decreed that HTML5 is better, so it is. You’ll never miss Flash, unless you want to see a site coded with Flash or a Flash plug-in, of course. But there are only something like 18 kabillion of those, so don’t worry about it. Did we mention it’s an iPad and Flash isn’t necessary?

Horrible virtual keyboard: apparently, some people want to do something called “type” on an iPad. No. Typing not only degrades the experience by imposing your personality on the iPad, it leaves horrible fingerprints all over the glass, making it ugly and tough to see. Therefore, typing is wrong.

No USB port: Oh please, why would you want to connect to an iPad using something as ancient as USB? The iPad is magical, so just use that.

No camera:  Well of course not.  It wasn’t meant to look at you. You were meant to look at it. Learn your place, bitches, and you’ll be much happier.

It overheats: Apparently, if it gets too warm, the iPad shuts itself off for a cool down period during which you can’t use it. So it’s smart too.  Plus, this gives you an opportunity to get off your knees and stretch for a minute.

Poor WiFi performance: Apparently, many iPads have poor WiFi performance, with the signal fluctuating from strong to none, while within router range. This is normal behavior, again stemming from the new nature of the iPad.  We suggest  updating your router firmware to allow it to connect magically.

It doesn’t replace anything: Are you kidding me? It replaces a lazy susan, a mirror, a shelf of comic books, and your need to think for yourself.  What else could you want?

If you look closely, you’ll notice something about those people that have negative things to say about the iPad: they aren’t very serene. They think too much, worry too much, spend too much time trying to find things out for themselves.  They want to use things as they desire, not as Apple intended, and thus find themselves in a constant struggle for their own identity and the freedom from things meant to protect us, like DRM, App Store oversight.

Those that accept the truth about Jobs, Apple, and the iPad, on the other hand, dwell happily in a beautiful walled garden.  Look at their smiles (some call it smugness, but we know better), look at their shiny eyes, look at all their beautiful lifestyle products.  These are people that know they’re being taken care of, that there is no need to look beyond what they are offered, that all of their needs are met, for now and for eternity, thank Jobs.