I’d Rather Smoke Pot In A Malibu Than Huff Aerosol In A Matrix

Or: the decline of civilization (this time it’s real)

Complaints about “young people today” probably go back to the Australopithecus complaining about “those damn kids, what with their evolving, and their using tools to do things, and that whole standing erect thing…”  For the most part, these sorts of comments seem to come from a generation that either secretly wishes they could go and hang out with those damn kids, or simply want to piss and moan about how the whole country, hell the whole world, is just going right down the shitter.

Not in this case.

On my way home tonight I pulled up next to a car filled with kids listening to the kind of horribly unoriginal formulaic music that actually makes me miss Scott Muni.  And I thought: “holy shit, that looks like a fucking awful place to be trapped for 30 seconds, much less an entire evening.”

And something clicked for me.  It may have been the contrast between what they were listening to and the Houses of the Holy cd that I was listening to, but a gear turned, a switch flipped, and I realized something really surprising: for the first time ever, the current generation of young people (I’m referring to kids aged, say, 16 to 25 years old), is actually getting less cool than the last one.

Really.  Consider which of the following scenarios is more appealing:

A) Smoking pot while hanging out in a beach parking lot at midnight and listening to a Led Zeppelin cassette blaring from poorly mounted 6×9 speakers that were stolen from Caldor’s and installed in the back of a 1975 Chevy Malibu while you discuss the relative merits of the latest Clash album with a bunch of chicks that aren’t wearing bras and love to make out, or…

B) Huffing Dust-Off in the Office Max parking lot crammed into a lowered Honda Civic with boy-racer bodywork, fake neon mounted under the dash, and over-sized faux chrome tailpipes that sound like a someone in gastric distress is farting into a plastic bottle while Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift is excreted from a bass-heavy stereo system and the two chicks crammed in the back seat try to shout over it to discuss the relative merits of the most recent book in the Twilight series.

So cool.  Rides like a sofa on wheels, has room for six, can keep a bong on the floor for months without spilling.
So cool. Rides like a sofa on wheels, seats six in comfort, can be driven around with a bong on the floor for months without a single spill. Attracts cool chicks by the dozens due to its awesomeness.
So fucking stupid.  Rides like a go kart, bottoms out pulling into, well, any driveway anywhere, almost as effective at attracting cool chicks as lighting your farts.
So fucking stupid. Rides like a matchbox car, seats 3 1/2 in misery, and bottoms out pulling into any driveway anywhere, making it tough to drink Red Bull without spilling it on your Abercrombie t-shirt. Attracts cool chicks about as well as lighting your farts.

I rest my case.

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18 Responses to I’d Rather Smoke Pot In A Malibu Than Huff Aerosol In A Matrix

  1. jo says:

    you nailed it, except I’m thinking that bong spilled a few times and that car never quite got the smell out.

    laws of gravity coupled with a ’75 Malibu suspension.

  2. tiggy says:

    liked this post a lot. I’m in your cool gang!

    • Brad says:

      Thanks Tigs – plenty of room in the car. I noticed you have a company called Future Primitive – same name as the design on my circa 1985 Lance Mountain Powell Peralta skateboard. So we’ve got that in common too.

  3. Ann says:

    The Honda is hilarious. It puts me in the ‘cool’ category, I guess, to think that this is the first generation that is not only less cool than the one before, it is also less well educated, less likely to be better off than their parents, and less likely to be taller and healthier than their parents. Poor them.

    And how likely was it that you and your friends would get into a fight after smoking a joint? Unlike the skunk of today, grass rendered you pretty much incapable of anything but the giggles!

  4. Teresa says:

    To quote the fabulous Babs in Chicken Run, “Are those our only two choices?”

  5. tiggy says:

    how could you NOT remember a skateboard of such status?! i know my ‘boyfriend’ Matt would give his life savings (if he had any) for that board.
    Yes, FuturePrimitive was named after one of my favourite skate vids…still got a copy too.

  6. tiggy says:

    oh my god. YOU RULE!
    i read out that last comment to Matt and he laughed and said ‘wow’. he remembers the lance board, and the cab bats n bones..and when you mentioned the mini cab…his eyebrows raised and he goes ‘yeah, my god’.
    i’ve hung out with skaters for most of my life (36 now), so have been subjected to all them movies….all them decks….all that music….all that life.
    i ain’t complaining…wouldn’t be who i am today if it wasn’t for skating.
    i could never really ride a board..but i did learn to ollie, if i only ever managed one, it’s more than most girls!
    So….since we’re on a roll, check out these 2 posts from matt’s blog.



    you two could talk the world away i’m sure.

    say hi to jo jo

    PS: so sorry lance got run over!

  7. Eric says:

    Confession: In high school, I rode around in a Renault Encore listening to hair bands, so I lessened our generation’s cool factor significantly.

  8. Ann says:

    Of course, we now should start a threat about what our generation did to lower the cool average!

  9. Jen says:

    Would reading Twilight be acceptable if I did it in a Malibu?

  10. Joanna says:

    I STILL think this is a riot!

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