Good News For Sinners!
You may have seen some of my prior posts about the church down the street from me and the wacky slogans they put up in front of the joint to try and build up their membership. If you haven’t, you can check out the whole lot of them by clicking here to see a list of all the ones I’ve weighed in on.
At any rate, this week’s pitch goes a little something like this:
It is unlikely that there’ll be a decrease in the wages of sin.
This is awesome news. First of all, I could definitely use some extra money right now and I didn’t even know the church was hiring (it’s even within walking distance.) Better still though is what they’re paying for. I mean, I knew that you could probably get work for doing really nasty shit like stealing things or killing people, but I’m a lover not a fighter, so that’s just not my bag. But the news that there are plenty more sins to choose from if you’re looking for work is, yeah I’ll say it, revelatory! For example, did you know you can earn big money for:
- Craftiness (2 Cor 4:2)
- Following the desires of the mind (Eph 2:3)
- Being Carnal or worldly (1 Cor 3:1-3; Ro 8:6-8)
- Eating and drinking with the drunken (Mt 24:49)
- Fornication (Acts 15:20; Mk 7:21; Ro 1:29)
And I’m pretty sure I can do all five of those at once, so I’m figuring my mortgage will be covered at least. But if those aren’t your cup of tea, there are plenty of others on the list of 667 sins posted here, (you knew they wouldn’t stop at 666, right? And they claim the list isn’t even complete!) So there’s way more to choose from. Like, did you know that “foolishness” is a sin? Well, it is (Mk 7:22, Titus 3:3). So is “debate” (Ro 1:29,) “pride” (Ja 4:6; Ro 1:30; Pv 16:18; Ps 10:4,) and “not honoring the president” (1 Pe 2:17,) (so the Presidential debates tonight should go down in flames. Literally.)
Got kids? Tell them they can’t play Xbox and get paid big bucks for “provoking your children to wrath” (Eph 6:4.) Do you like going out on the town? How’d you like to get paid for “dressing indecently” (1 Tim 2:9; Pv 7:10) which could probably earn your boyfriend a few bucks for “refusing to leave the great harlot” (Rev 18:4; 2 Cor 6:16,17,) and if you’re lucky you’ll both be earning crazy ducats for “sex outside of marriage” (1 Cor 5:11; 6:18,20; Ex 22:16,17.)
There’s just so much good stuff to choose from I don’t know where to start. But riotous living (Lk 15:13,18) sounds fun, so maybe I’ll go with that until I get an assignment from god.