So I’m in the men’s room of an office building this afternoon, you know, just hanging out and enjoying the smell of freshly rotated urinal puck, when a guy in a suit walks in and steps up to one of the urinals. He’s quiet, keeps to himself, just a guy in a suit in here to have a piss. Who, as soon as he starts pissing, starts talking. And here’s what he’s saying: “so how are we doing today? How are we doing today?”
Every possible explanation for this is funny.
Is this finely dressed gentleman actually chatting up his dick? Sadly not. However he does have a bluetooth headset on has answered a call while taking a piss (squashing my hopes for validation of my own penile chats), which is not only funnier to me, but also means that I’ve finally found one redeeming value to wearing those fucking bluetooth headsets in public. Not so that you can talk while you’re pissing, but so that you can amuse me by appearing to have a heart to heart with your dick, while you’re actually chatting with someone at your office, while simultaneously taking a fantastically loud piss. There is simply no way the person on the other end of the call could miss the sound of this guys thunderous urine stream echoing off the tiles. Made me realize I actually have a policy on this, and it’s one that I didn’t think it would ever be necessary to verbalize: if I have my dick in my hand, please leave a message.
I also finally get an answer to a question I want to ask every time I see someone sitting in a restaurant, or walking down the street, or shopping in the supermarket with one of those stupid things hanging in their ear, blinking that irritating blue light that says “look at me! I can answer the phone quickly and efficiently!” And that question is: “how fucking self important are you?” Apparently the answer is “really fucking self important.”
There are other questions that I think of too. Questions like “do you know how stupid you look wearing that at the beach?” and “why are you wearing that while you volunteer at a first grade field day since I know you don’t actually have a job in the afternoon and I can’t imagine anyone needs to get you so badly that they can’t wait for you to actually take your phone out of your pocket to answer it?” and “do you mind if I bury that in your head with this two by four?” But the whole self importance question, that one was always bugging me.
So driving home I was thinking about this guy chatting with office with his dick in his hand and for some reason it reminded me of an old Irish construction foreman I worked with in New York ages ago. Every time he’d see you for the first time that day he’d look at you and ask in a thick brogue: “how’s yer cock?”. And every time you were leaving he’d ask “why doncha go get a coupla blowjobs then come back ‘ere and give me one, eh?”
Dick humor: timeless.
Oh, so many comments come to mind, but none that will not sound like a double-entendre, so I will have to refrain. ;>
Every time I see a bluetooth ear thingy, I think of you, Brad, and what you would be mumbling under your breath ALWAYS:
“Stupid things….. Why do people insist that they wear those ugly deformities anyway?…Stupid head….What …are they too mightier than thou that they can’t reach for their phone and be bothered with doing anything other than scratching their own ass?!?!?”
Taste that!
p.s. I don’t own a Bluetooth anything…
In the dunnies typical. Yep in public it’s all about self importance and bigdealism, oh it was so cool to talk on your mobile phone when they first came out.
Just watch the increase in brain tumors slowly climb and there is nothing they can do for them if they are bad. This technology thing with mobile phones etc is not good for long term use. Keep the darn things off your body wherever possible, don’t sleep with them at the head of your bed either. I am not phobic but I used to work in telecommunications for 7yrs. It’s something they don’t want us to know. Some will have no problems from these devices, others will.
When someone with a metal plate in their head puts in a complaint that a certain type of mobile phone heats up the plate and causes excruciating pain.
What does that kind of thing tell us. I knew about this in 1994 because I was the person who used to handle all high level complaints for the state manager of this organisation.
I say if you want look cool and wear one of those darn headsets, make sure the stupid thing is turned off. Pretend you are talking to someone that way you are sure to look cool and then you can think you are popular. lol….. Even if no one else does.
finally something we can agree on. But what were you doing in an office building. Were you lost?
Oh yeah. Because I like you I found this old DON”T for your entertainment:
http://www.viceland.com/int/dd.php?id=214
This is why I love Brooklyn:
http://www.viceland.com/int/dd.php?id=1347
And since I’m too lazy to start my own blog I’m just going to hijack your comments section.
Sharon – I know there’s been a lot of debate about the whole tumor thing – but think about this: if the bt headset gives you tumors, then the guys that use them will get ball cancer from keeping the phone in their pocket, but won’t realize it because of the tumor in their head. So it evens out.
Robey (5) – I’m glad you decided to share your honeymoon photos with us.
Robey (6) – Vice mag is so 2006.
Wow. Lola is gonna kick your ass. In fact she’s on her way to JFK right now. Or did you forget who I went on my honeymoon with?
And it’s 2004 in Florida so I’m two years ahead of the times.
Oh, get a room you two!!
I probably ought to mention that Robey’s wife Lola is fabulously beautiful (also cooler that Robey, plus she gets all my crappy Brady Bunch references)
She simply got caught in my weak attempt to insult her husband; collateral damage if you will. Which sort of makes me the Donald Rumsfeld of blog comments. I’m terribly ashamed.
Figure four.